Matthew's Birthday

My darling Matthew is 8 years old. He is such a fun kid to have around. He feels all his feelings deeply and loves to make people smile. He is so smart and handsome. I'm so glad he's mine. 

What did you do for your birthday?

I went to Play Kitsap.(It's actually Ahoy Kitsap now- an indoor play place)

What is your favorite color?
Turquoise

What is your favorite toy right now?
Math

What is your most favorite thing to do?
Sleep. Sometimes

What are your friends’ names?

Briella (He has many friends, but just wanted to say one)

What is your favorite food?
Chicken curry casserole

What is your favorite drink?
Soda

What is your favorite animal?
Otters

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Nice 

What is your favorite song?
Pancake robot (It's some silly youtube song)

What is your favorite book?
Don't have one

What was your favorite thing to do with Dad? (I asked if he was ok with this question and he was)
Wrestle

What is your favorite thing to do with Mom?
Snuggle

We fought a bunch the days leading up to his birthday. He felt he should be able to do whatever he wanted since it was almost his birthday. It was hard for him to still have rules and boundaries. But we had some really great moments too and his actual birthday was a lot of fun. We played with a couple friends at an indoor play place. He requested mac and cheese to eat and lime jello with whipped cream instead of cake. The week before we celebrated early with family in Portland and he had requested pancakes and a key lime pie for that celebration.

  

Matthew is many things. He is smart, and loving, and strong, and emotional, and thoughtful. Since he was a baby, he has had a smile that makes me instantly happier. He has such a big heart and wants others around him to be happy. He loves animals and wants them ALL as pets. He gives amazing hugs. He is a wonderful part of my life and I'm so grateful for him every day. 

Dear Jon

Where are you now Jon? I keep wondering what happens when we die. I used to think I knew. I have no idea anymore. Which opens up so many possibilities. Maybe your soul is in a bright, warm, beautiful place with all the other people that have passed before you. Maybe you can watch the boys and I and everyone else as we figure out how to carry on without you. Maybe you're closer than that. Maybe you're right next to me always. Making me feel safe like you always did. Giving me confidence and encouragement to be the best version of myself I could be. Maybe you visit others in the form of a seagull, or you're in the wind all around us, or in the forests and water you loved so much. Maybe you have turned into stardust and you're in the heavens in a new form, shining your beautiful light on us every night forever. There are so many possibilities and I take comfort in imagining you in all the places you might be now. Free from burdens (although I'm jealous of that often too), free from pain, just able to be a silent observer. 

We have your ashes. It's not you, but it offers a physical reminder of you. I'm glad that I've been able to share parts of you with your family. We all love you and miss you so much. We want to keep you with us in some way forever. I know that even without your ashes, you'll always be with us in some way. Your goodness touched all our lives and that will remain with us, in our hearts, forever. 

Survivors Day

Today there was a Suicide Survivors event. I chose not to attend, but I have been thinking about Jon over the last few days and feeling frustrated by his decision to leave us. I still believe his brain was affected by illness, but knowing that doesn't make the loss hurt any less. I was lead to a book of blessings today and in it there is one I want to share here.

For the Family and Friends of a Suicide

As you huddle around the torn silence,
Each by this lonely deed exiled
To a solitary confinement of soul,
May some small glow from what has been lost
Return like the kindness of candlelight.

As your eyes strain to sift
This sudden wall of dark
And no one can say why
In such a forsaken, secret way,
This death was sent for . . .
May one of the lovely hours
Of memory return
Like a field of ease
Among these graveled days.

May the Angel of Wisdom
Enter this ruin of absence
And guide your minds
To receive this bitter chalice
So that you do not damage yourselves
By attending only at the hungry altar
Of regret and anger and guilt.

May you be given some inkling
That there could be something else at work
And that what to you now seems
Dark, destructive, and forlorn,
Might be a destiny that looks different
From inside the eternal script.

May vision be granted to you
To see this with the eyes of providence.
May your loss become a sanctuary
Where new presence will dwell
To refine and enrich
The rest of your life
With courage and compassion.

And may your lost loved one
Enter into the beauty of eternal tranquility,
In that place where there is no more sorrow
Or separation or mourning or tears.

       From To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings by John O'Donohue

Practicing Gratitude

Every November, we put up our Thankful Tree. I usually save the leaves from the year before and either put them up again or use the back side (because it's kind of a pain to make new ones). There were many that Jon had written and I'm so glad I saved them. I love his handwriting and remembering some of his 'thankfuls.' 

The boys and I have already added a few new ones to the tree and we'll keep it going all month. There is so much pain in the world and I can't fix it all and that frustrates me so much. I am also trying to practice gratitude because I know it's important and it keeps me going. Here are a few things I'm thankful for currently:

• 229 days with Jon in 2016. There were several days we weren't together because of various trips, but we always talked or texted. There wasn't a day without being able to talk to him.
• Friends that are like family.
• Family members that are also my friends.
• New opportunities and adventures.
• Memories full of love and laughter.
• Support groups.
• Resources.
• Sean & Matthew.

This is a short list, I have so much to be grateful for and I know it. Life is still beautiful. It is also hard, and lonely, and full, and rich, and exciting, and full of love. Life is complex and I'm grateful for mine.