A hard morning

I wrote this on facebook today and wanted to share here:

I've been missing Jon deeply this morning. I was recently having a conversation about how my boys still need him. They need him to teach them so much. For me however, I don't need him. I was a complete person throughout our marriage. I don't need him to go on. But I want him. I want him every day. To hold me, to tell me I'm beautiful, to help me do projects I don't want to do (even though I'm fully capable), to put away leftovers after dinner, to encourage me, to be proud of me in the way he always was. Some days are easier that others. This morning is rough. But I get to spend time with wonderful friends today which will lift my spirits. One day at a time.

{A few hours later, after several beautiful comments, I wrote the next part.}

Thank you all for your kind words. I spent some time with a friend today and we discussed brain chemistry. Had I gone for a run this morning, endorphins would have been released to put me in a different mindset. I know that. I chose to sit with my grief this morning which also has value. Life is all about finding balance.

{some other things about today I want to record}

What started the tears this morning was a song. It's a song from the musical Wicked called For Good. My niece sang it at school last year and then again at her great grandpa's funeral earlier this year. I was struck deeply by the lyrics this morning. Then it seemed like every song I heard after was bringing up more emotions. Music is powerful and I was not expecting to cry while I was sweeping this morning.

For Good

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done, you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...