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http://betsyslovelylife.blogspot.com/

Sean's 10!! Double Digits!!

My firstborn baby is 10 years old! It feels like that decade flew by. I love this child of mine. We were fortunate to have family come up last weekend for an early birthday celebration for him.

He requested a vanilla cake with vanilla frosting and vanilla ice cream. I asked if we could add root beer for floats. He happily agreed to that.

Sean's party crew.

  

The kids had two snow days and Sean was so excited to have a day off for his birthday. It also meant that we didn't have a rushed morning so I made him pancakes (I attempted making a 10). He added skittles to the batter of a few of them. And frosting on top of them. 

The kids went out to play with the neighbors in the snow and slush. Sean came in a while later with a busted lip. I'm not clear on the details, but I'm confident he'll make a full recovery. 

I had to run some errands and while we were out we grabbed donuts. Sean really wanted one symbolic candle in it so we could sing to him again.

What did you do for your birthday?
Ate a VV cake (Vanilla Cake with vanilla frosting.)

What is your favorite color?
Blue

What is your favorite toy right now?
Legos 

What is your favorite thing to do?
Eat donuts 

What are your friends’ names?
Jack, James, James

What is your favorite food?
Pure, undiluted sugar

What is your favorite drink?
Hot water 

What is your favorite animal? 

I don't know 

What do you want to be when you grow up? 

Not really that much pressure right now

What is your favorite song?
Tiptoe by Imagine Dragons 

What is your favorite book?
Anything by Rick Riordan 

What was your favorite thing to do with Dad? (I asked if he was ok with this question and he was)
I don't know 

What is your favorite thing to do with Mom?
Snuggling

More Than Family

It has been good for me to reflect on the people in my life and how they enrich my life. I am beyond grateful to have married into a family that is full of so much love. We have become so close and I'm so glad I get to keep them. Since Jon died, I feel like we have become even closer. I look back at the times we have spent together and how we have been there for each other and tried to strengthen each other in our pain. I will forever remember and be grateful for the evening after going to the funeral home to sign paperwork to have Jon cremated. It was such a terrible day for me. I came home and went to bed. An hour or so later I woke up and could hear people downstairs. I texted Nicki from my bed asking her to come up. She and Bethany came and lay down on either side of me. Their presence helped calm me down. After some time with just the three of us, we invited the rest of the Brady family up. Everyone took turns in the closet smelling Jon's clothes and picking a shirt (or more) to take home. We sat together and talked and cried and mourned together.

A few weeks later, we went to Great Wolf Lodge together. The Bradys were there to hold me when I collapsed from grief. David was the first to catch me then. A year before David and Chris held me when I collapsed about a different matter. This Thanksgiving, Chis and Ben were there to hold me when I wasn't ready to be at the dinner table yet. When random memories popped up in Lincoln City, Chris was there to hold me again. I feel incredibly close to Jon's sisters. I don't have the same relationships with my brothers in law, but they have shown me over and over that they are key supporters of mine. Their kindness is unending and precious beyond explanation.

My blood family has also been incredible. Amy dropped everything and came immediately to be with me and take care of my life when I could barely function. Actually, everyone dropped everything and showed up to care for me and support me and my kids. I will never forget that gesture and all the love and help they provided over the weeks following Jon's death. I was born into a beautiful family that loves fiercely and deeply.

My friends are more of the best people I know. Incredible people have come into my life over the years. Many have stayed close friends for years. I have also had the chance to reconnect with so many old friends and I'm grateful that time and distance don't change friendships. I've also had some great new people come into my life recently. Someone recently asked me what the best thing in my life is right now. I immediately thought "the people in it." I've been feeling so much gratitude lately for all the amazing people I know. Thank you everyone for your love!

The Longest Night of the Year

I've been reading about Winter Solstice traditions and I'm sad I won't be home this year. The last three years I have had a nice dinner with any family in town and a friend to celebrate it. The night before Solstice is the longest night. So many nights have been long and lonely since Jon died, but this is the literal longest night of the year. I feel panicky and hopeful at the same time about it. Panicky because I continue to miss Jon every night and thinking about the longest night alone is rough. Hopeful because for the next 6 months, every night will be a little shorter. And because the return of the sun is a big deal to me. Natures rhythms show me that life goes on no matter what. There are cycles that can't be stopped and I don't need to fight against them. I have lots of ideas on how I envision spending Winter Solstice this year. I don't know what I will actually do since I will be away from home, but I keep thinking about it anyway because it shouldn't matter where I am, right? That's kind of the point is to pause and recognize the earth doing her thing. On and on the world spins. Some things change and some stay the same. We are ultimately not in control of what happens around us. I will focus on the beauty in front of me and hold on to warm, loving memories.

We had snow Friday. I took this series from my bed as the day went on. 

Some things change, some stay the same.

Matthew's Birthday

My darling Matthew is 8 years old. He is such a fun kid to have around. He feels all his feelings deeply and loves to make people smile. He is so smart and handsome. I'm so glad he's mine. 

What did you do for your birthday?

I went to Play Kitsap.(It's actually Ahoy Kitsap now- an indoor play place)

What is your favorite color?
Turquoise

What is your favorite toy right now?
Math

What is your most favorite thing to do?
Sleep. Sometimes

What are your friends’ names?

Briella (He has many friends, but just wanted to say one)

What is your favorite food?
Chicken curry casserole

What is your favorite drink?
Soda

What is your favorite animal?
Otters

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Nice 

What is your favorite song?
Pancake robot (It's some silly youtube song)

What is your favorite book?
Don't have one

What was your favorite thing to do with Dad? (I asked if he was ok with this question and he was)
Wrestle

What is your favorite thing to do with Mom?
Snuggle

We fought a bunch the days leading up to his birthday. He felt he should be able to do whatever he wanted since it was almost his birthday. It was hard for him to still have rules and boundaries. But we had some really great moments too and his actual birthday was a lot of fun. We played with a couple friends at an indoor play place. He requested mac and cheese to eat and lime jello with whipped cream instead of cake. The week before we celebrated early with family in Portland and he had requested pancakes and a key lime pie for that celebration.

  

Matthew is many things. He is smart, and loving, and strong, and emotional, and thoughtful. Since he was a baby, he has had a smile that makes me instantly happier. He has such a big heart and wants others around him to be happy. He loves animals and wants them ALL as pets. He gives amazing hugs. He is a wonderful part of my life and I'm so grateful for him every day. 

Dear Jon

Where are you now Jon? I keep wondering what happens when we die. I used to think I knew. I have no idea anymore. Which opens up so many possibilities. Maybe your soul is in a bright, warm, beautiful place with all the other people that have passed before you. Maybe you can watch the boys and I and everyone else as we figure out how to carry on without you. Maybe you're closer than that. Maybe you're right next to me always. Making me feel safe like you always did. Giving me confidence and encouragement to be the best version of myself I could be. Maybe you visit others in the form of a seagull, or you're in the wind all around us, or in the forests and water you loved so much. Maybe you have turned into stardust and you're in the heavens in a new form, shining your beautiful light on us every night forever. There are so many possibilities and I take comfort in imagining you in all the places you might be now. Free from burdens (although I'm jealous of that often too), free from pain, just able to be a silent observer. 

We have your ashes. It's not you, but it offers a physical reminder of you. I'm glad that I've been able to share parts of you with your family. We all love you and miss you so much. We want to keep you with us in some way forever. I know that even without your ashes, you'll always be with us in some way. Your goodness touched all our lives and that will remain with us, in our hearts, forever. 

Survivors Day

Today there was a Suicide Survivors event. I chose not to attend, but I have been thinking about Jon over the last few days and feeling frustrated by his decision to leave us. I still believe his brain was affected by illness, but knowing that doesn't make the loss hurt any less. I was lead to a book of blessings today and in it there is one I want to share here.

For the Family and Friends of a Suicide

As you huddle around the torn silence,
Each by this lonely deed exiled
To a solitary confinement of soul,
May some small glow from what has been lost
Return like the kindness of candlelight.

As your eyes strain to sift
This sudden wall of dark
And no one can say why
In such a forsaken, secret way,
This death was sent for . . .
May one of the lovely hours
Of memory return
Like a field of ease
Among these graveled days.

May the Angel of Wisdom
Enter this ruin of absence
And guide your minds
To receive this bitter chalice
So that you do not damage yourselves
By attending only at the hungry altar
Of regret and anger and guilt.

May you be given some inkling
That there could be something else at work
And that what to you now seems
Dark, destructive, and forlorn,
Might be a destiny that looks different
From inside the eternal script.

May vision be granted to you
To see this with the eyes of providence.
May your loss become a sanctuary
Where new presence will dwell
To refine and enrich
The rest of your life
With courage and compassion.

And may your lost loved one
Enter into the beauty of eternal tranquility,
In that place where there is no more sorrow
Or separation or mourning or tears.

       From To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings by John O'Donohue

Practicing Gratitude

Every November, we put up our Thankful Tree. I usually save the leaves from the year before and either put them up again or use the back side (because it's kind of a pain to make new ones). There were many that Jon had written and I'm so glad I saved them. I love his handwriting and remembering some of his 'thankfuls.' 

The boys and I have already added a few new ones to the tree and we'll keep it going all month. There is so much pain in the world and I can't fix it all and that frustrates me so much. I am also trying to practice gratitude because I know it's important and it keeps me going. Here are a few things I'm thankful for currently:

• 229 days with Jon in 2016. There were several days we weren't together because of various trips, but we always talked or texted. There wasn't a day without being able to talk to him.
• Friends that are like family.
• Family members that are also my friends.
• New opportunities and adventures.
• Memories full of love and laughter.
• Support groups.
• Resources.
• Sean & Matthew.

This is a short list, I have so much to be grateful for and I know it. Life is still beautiful. It is also hard, and lonely, and full, and rich, and exciting, and full of love. Life is complex and I'm grateful for mine. 

A hard morning

I wrote this on facebook today and wanted to share here:

I've been missing Jon deeply this morning. I was recently having a conversation about how my boys still need him. They need him to teach them so much. For me however, I don't need him. I was a complete person throughout our marriage. I don't need him to go on. But I want him. I want him every day. To hold me, to tell me I'm beautiful, to help me do projects I don't want to do (even though I'm fully capable), to put away leftovers after dinner, to encourage me, to be proud of me in the way he always was. Some days are easier that others. This morning is rough. But I get to spend time with wonderful friends today which will lift my spirits. One day at a time.

{A few hours later, after several beautiful comments, I wrote the next part.}

Thank you all for your kind words. I spent some time with a friend today and we discussed brain chemistry. Had I gone for a run this morning, endorphins would have been released to put me in a different mindset. I know that. I chose to sit with my grief this morning which also has value. Life is all about finding balance.

{some other things about today I want to record}

What started the tears this morning was a song. It's a song from the musical Wicked called For Good. My niece sang it at school last year and then again at her great grandpa's funeral earlier this year. I was struck deeply by the lyrics this morning. Then it seemed like every song I heard after was bringing up more emotions. Music is powerful and I was not expecting to cry while I was sweeping this morning.

For Good

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done, you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Support

Whenever I have gone through a hard thing in my life, finding out another person has been through something similar has always strengthened me. Knowing I'm not alone in my struggles has be valuable every single time. This time is no different. And knowing that finding those people has been helpful in my own life, I wanted the same support for my children. I found a Center for Grieving Children online and we have gone to 2 meetings so far and I think we will continue for a while. There are different types of losses, so there are different groups. We are in a "traumatic loss" group for those affected by suicide and homicide. I'm saddened by how big our group is, but also so so grateful it exists.

Tonight a woman shared her story, during which she said that sometimes people treat suicide as something that is taboo. Like it's shameful or something. How a person dies is just one part of their story. It doesn't have to be shameful. It's the truth of the matter. Jon shot himself. It sucks. It's terrible. It's confusing and heartbreaking and angering and every other feeling you can imagine. But it's what happened and I can't change that. People have asked if the boys know. They do. I value honesty and they have a right to know. {I realize this might be the first you may be learning of Jon's suicide. Please feel free to contact me if you want more details. I will share them, just not publicly.}

Over the last couple months, Jon's family, my family, and I have all thought about what might have happened to lead him to this very final decision. He had no diagnosed depression that he was battling. Nothing obvious stood out right away. He had a surgery a couple weeks before and I wondered (and still do) if some of the medication could have affected him at all. He also contracted Lyme disease 4 years ago. It was treated early, but the way that disease works, if it's not gone completely, it pops up later. I really believe this may have been part of what happened. I'll never know for sure. What I know is that Jon was an amazing person. He loved me and the boys so much. He was kind and gentle. He loved solving problems and making people feel comfortable in themselves. I wouldn't trade my time with him for anything.

Over the last two months, I have felt supported and loved by so many. In a time when I could hardly function, I have been held so tenderly by those around me. I am endlessly grateful for my support system. They continue to show up for me in ways that will carry me through this journey. Thank you so much. I believe there is good in the world because I see it often. We can all be the good for one another.

(Jon made this sign for us in 2013)

Thoughts on the Trail

It's officially Fall here. Occasionally we get a few random warm days into October. Monday happened to be one of those beautifully sunny and warm days. I decided to take the boys out of school and hike Jon's trail. Holly, Creed, and Ella joined us too. When I was talking to the boys about going out there, Sean requested that we not linger at the spot Jon actually died. That seemed like a reasonable request. We got up to the trailhead around 1:30 and got started. There is a trickle of a waterfall not far down the trail and we used our water filter bottle to have a few drinks each. The water was delicious! We stopped at The Spot for a few minutes so I could point it out to Holly and Creed. Matthew was climbing around on a huge fallen tree stump and I thought I had pointed it out to him too, but realized later I hadn't. We carried on down the trail. I had been wanting to go further down the trail because I liked the symbolism of going past the sad spot and seeing the beauty of what is beyond. I was a little teary-eyed as we first left The Spot, but it quickly passed as we kept moving. It was seriously such a beautiful day to be on a hike. 

We stopped for lunch about 1.5 miles in. There was a little open area with soft moss all over. 

When I had first researched the hiked, I thought I read it was about 6 miles out and back. What I failed to understand was that meant it was 6 miles one way, not 3 miles from one end to the other. I was really glad we had parked a car at each end of the trail. 

Sean climbing around. The pictures don't do this spot justice. It was really incredible.

I love the way the fall leaves look scattered on the trail

Another trickle of a waterfall to refill our water bottles. 

We were amazed at the size of this tree and wondered how old it is. Sean estimated that it's older than the United States. 

We crossed several bridges. They were all so beautiful.

The champion crew. This is maybe about 2.5 miles in. We had no idea how much further we still had to go.

Some of my very favorite people.

The boys took off to explore a bit off the trail. I love how tiny they look out in the woods. They love being able to climb all over the place and see what's off the beaten path. 

It took us a while to get down to where the river was flowing really steadily. Of course, we had to walk down to it and check things out.  

Creed counted the rings. 256! I thought it looked like a heart. 

We all said that we have never been so happy to see a parking lot!

Thoughts I had along the trail:

There is beauty past sad/hard spots.

Sometimes you're alone on the trail, but other times you have people with you. Great people that love you will be there when you don't want to be alone. New people will be along the path to offer help too. 

Running ahead to see what's up ahead to try to prepare my kids.

Occasionally you're not as prepared as you would like to be.

Some parts of the trail are easy and some are pretty hard and you won't know how it will be until you've been there and experienced each part. And easy or hard, there is so much pride in making it to the end.