I was taking a walk this morning and picked up some fall leaves from the ground. I love when the leaves turn orange and red and they scatter the ground. Today, however, I was so sad about the season changing. About anything changing. Time is forever stopped for Jon. He will never get any older. His hair will never get more gray. He won't see the seasons change again. Part of me wants time to stop for me too. I never want to change my hair. I never want to buy clothes Jon hasn't seen me in. I never want to be any different than Jon remembered me. But I know that's not how this works. Time moves on whether I'm ready or not. Whether I want it to or not. Jon won't be here to watch our kids grow up. They have already changed so much and it has only been a month since he left us. Part of the changes in the boys happened because of Jon's death. It's awful and I would do anything to have him back. Since I know that's not an option, I'm left with the option of never getting out of bed again, or living my life as well as possible. I choose to live. It is hard. This is not the life I imagined I would have. Ever. I was so unbelievably happy. I thought we all were.
I miss Jon. I think the longest we had been apart in the last 12 years was 10 days. Maybe. Now it has been a month. I miss sleeping next to him. I miss talking to him. I miss texting with him. I miss being lazy in bed with him on weekend mornings. I miss making plans with him. I miss breathing the same air as him. I miss his smile. I miss his hugs. I miss feeling completely safe in his arms. Like nothing could go wrong while he held me.
Time keeps moving forward. I can't stop it, and as much as I hate that, it's reality. I have to keep going. I will settle in to a "new normal" with this huge hole in my heart. I am forever changed in a way that completely blindsided me. There was no preparing for losing Jon like this. We had so many plans for the future. So many more years to be together. So much more time to enjoy. Together.
I used to love watching the seasons change. It hurts now, but I hope someday I can revel in the natural cycles of the earth again. I really hope I will. In time.
7 comments:
Betsy - genuine heartbreaking yet beautiful words, thank you for sharing this and please keep writing. I love you and the boys so much
Seriously beautiful and heartbreaking. Love you so much. Thank you for sharing your words with us.
Love you Betsy! You are strong! It will take time but it will get better and those beautiful changing boys will make each hard step worth taking!
Dang it! Now I'm all tearing up. Sending a big squeeze over to you my friend. You amaze me with the way you live your life beautifully and strong. And with your vulnerability in sharing with the world your pain and sorrow. Love you <3
I hurt for you as I read this. And I like hearing your voice here. I hope you keep writing.
oh Betsy. your words are beautiful and heartbreaking and very real.
I am so sorry to hear about everything you have been going through. I was not aware of your circumstances. Your writing seems to be very therapeutic. You seem like such a strong and amazing mother. Lots of hugs.
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